I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I live with mental illness. It’s kind of a constant battle of good days, better days, and days when, as I’ve heard some youtubers put it, the bits of my brain I’m against just… win. It’s not that I’m not trying, that I don’t care, or that I can’t do things at all, it’s just that at this time, I’m not able to do the things I really want to do.
And I’m having problems with that. I’m working on accepting that I can’t change certain things, just my reactions to them; learning ways to slow my system down so I don’t helicopter off into the stress-osphere, and trying to be okay that some days getting out of bed before noon is the accomplishment that I need to be okay with. I’m working on putting things in my life on hold, because I don’t want to give them up but know I don’t have the physical ability to do everything. I’m looking at my life and figuring out where I can set myself up for success and not for relapse.
I’m not there at acceptance, yet.
From their Website: Come to Hakubai // Where the air is fragrant // The water pure // And flowers bloom in the clear sky. //// Come to Hakubai // The Way is hard to find. // The more you seek it, // The more it will elude you // If you don’t try with your whole being // You’ll never find it. //// Come to Hakubai // Where the stones talk, // The trees walk, // And flowers bloom in the clear sky.
[Despite some very wise words from my dad, who has the benefit of practicing zen buddhism to help give me advice from.]
[Full credit, because it’s been making some parts of this process more doable and I am very grateful.]
[Thanks, Dad.] 
[Incidentally, these are photos from Hakubai in Boulder, which is a practicing Zen Buddhist site and very, very beautifully and lovingly maintained]
So, why am I here, writing a post, when there are a million and one other things for me to do?
It kind of felt like the right place to try to make something of a resolution.
October is lovingly known as Preptober by participants of the National Novel Writing Month.
While artists all around make some crazy good art for their Inktober, writers and participants of Nanowrimo take October to prepare for the month-long insanity that November induces.
[click through the link for a more coherent description of the two writing styles]
If you are a Plotter style writer, it’s time to lovingly draft out the arcs of your characters, plotlines, research and file away information in a way you can get to, draft journals or use online sites like Scrivener (which I have heard good things about and know nothing about personally), or World Anvil (another one I’ve heard good things about and know nothing about), or even use things like tabletop character sheets from D&D, Exalted, Traveller, or any number of other ways; and if you’re a Pantser style writer, you come up with a vague idea to start, maybe some characters or world details, and do your best to clear everything else out of your schedule because who knows what’s going to come out of you.
Typically, I’m a Pantser. This year, I’m doing a lot more Plotting, because I’ve already tried to write this particular novel before and I have some ideas of what doesn’t work, and what I’d like to try instead. I’m also doing more Plotting because one of my grad school classes this semester is a novel workshop, and this is the novel that I want to get through so I can have some peer reviews and also maybe the chance of figuring out not only how to get done but who to send it to when it is done, and maybe then I’ll have a book! or something resembling one.
{note- this is a remake of a thing I made on tumblr a while back, but the moving form got lost, so I did it again… @_@ link is to the original post}
Instead of this feeling like an additional task, set for me by the gods of overbooking and crash&burning, this is actually one of the things that I’m actually really looking at and trying to do as a method of getting me back out of this depression I’m in, and back onto my feet. I was reading a book called “Writing as a Way of Healing“, and in the first nine pages discovered that the best way for me to work my way back out of the depression and back to being healthy is to write myself out of the situation.
**** caveat I am also getting medical help because depression is real and not something I can willpower myself out of****
If you need help, PLEASE GET HELP. None of us have to do this alone! ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………… https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
The thing about writing is that it offers (among many other things):
the ability to write exactly where I’m at and see that my feelings exist and have an impact,
space to look at what I’ve written and see where my brain is lying to me
I can explore different ways or tactics of coping with things that are hard for me/find deeprooted connections I wasn’t aware of/find a way of expressing how I’m feeling other than ‘sad’
and at the end of it all,
there’s writing for someone to look at and maybe also feel something or find a way out of something themselves.
I’m not published so I have only heard that this is how it works from the writer’s perspective, but having read a lot of books, the magic definitely lurks there. I feel connected. I feel like maybe the world isn’t so isolating, that your brain can lie to you and tell you that you are alone, and that the monsters are too big, that your friends don’t like you AND that you’re too tired; but that it can also remind you that monsters can be defeated, that there other people who also don’t want to be alone, and that sometimes you just need to take a break, sleep, dream, and get back up and at it again even if the story in your head is a hard one to overcome.
Just go to sleep. I’ve discovered the answer is nearly always just go to sleep.
So here I am, in Preptober. And lo and behold on the Nano website, is a badge for taking care of yourself.
I want to keep that badge.
And there are communities of friends I know I have (shout out to the best writing coven in the world) and ones I’m just meeting (yay grad cohort! and students!) and ones I’m going to meet very soon (possibly even in person if the times work out locally).
Maybe I can’t get my life all together right now, and maybe right now I just need to work on putting one more word on the page every day. I started today with the goal of putting one word more onto my document. And, it’s late, and technically I haven’t done that.
But instead, I finished another step in the process of getting accommodations that I need; I finished grad school work; I GOT PANTS ON AND OUT OF THE HOUSE! ; I posted on the nano boards for the first time ever; and I’ve written a whole long train of thought (WITH IMAGES AND STUFF) on a blog that I struggle to give enough attention to, as well as made dinner for myself and talked to friends about how sometimes things are hard.
I’m not making the progress I necessarily want to be making, right now.
Today, I did a lot more than I thought I would.
And the day’s not quite over yet.
I’m making an announcement here and now to keep myself accountable.
This year, I’m doing my novel writing, and I’m going to make sure that I take care of myself along the way, even when it’s really hard. And 50k or no, I’m going to have more of the writing done and more of the things I want to do also done by the end of November.
I’m writing a novel about a steampunk spaceship named False Paradox, her engineer (Dara Seagraves) and her crew, and their adventures in space.
I’m going to write the future I want to see.
I’m going to write the way I want people to remember to be, because it’s important to remember and move towards.
It’s going to be hopepunk, because even though the world is really hard, and getting up to deal with it every day is crazy, there is still so much beauty that it’s impossible not to keep moving towards that something better. And there are a LOT of people who will tell you (and have argued with me) that it’s pointless, that it’s naive to think such a thing, that everything is dark and hateful and there isn’t a reason to keep doing your best to make even little changes around you, but they are all WRONG.
And if I feel particularly down, or particularly victorious, I might even remember to share how it’s going on here.
Happy Preptober! Happy Nano Season!
Please be safe and well!
Briar Roses and Thorns 